Tired Of The Dating Game?
Obsessively checking your phone to see if they have texted back.
Calculating how soon you can respond or how to manufacture the perfectly worded text.
Going on meaningless dates, wondering why you even bothered expending time, energy, and money on these dead-end dates.
Sitting at home alone, trying to keep feelings of loneliness at bay, but struggling with the fear that you might die alone?
As fun and exciting as dating can be, it can also be like managing a second job, and riding an unstable rollercoaster of emotion.
So here are a few of my suggestions about how to change the game.
Putting Ourselves Out There
As much as I wish this was not the case (truly), were not going to meet anyone by attempting to manifest and will them into our lives sitting at home meditating on a Friday night!!!
We have to put ourselves out there and we have to be willing to ride the waves that come with that. It is inevitable that we are going to feel rejected at times or that things aren’t always going to work out. But I would encourage you to approach this with light-heartedness. Learn to laugh at life a little.
Not every relationship you have will be the relationship of your dreams. Perhaps we all need a shift in perspective, one that recognizes that the person who is going to be everything you desire is a rare find, and most people are not going to be that person for you. Putting ourselves out there is how we learn deeper lessons about ourselves, and what it is about each of us that makes us one hell of a partner! Know your value, but also let some of the challenges go and learn to enjoy both the ups and the downs of the dating experience. Remember that it is not up to the other person to decide whether you’re good enough to date, it is your choice to decide who you want to date. Why would you choose to date anyone who doesn’t value you for you?
One of our greatest challenges in modern romance is that we treat people like transactions rather than actual human beings. We swipe left and right as if it’s a game, ghost people as if they are a shell of a human and are undeserving of any respectful explanation, and we’re constantly looking for the next best thing rather than taking time to cherish what it is that we have.
Take a moment to reflect on what you have and how much you have to be grateful for.
First Dates (and beyond):
How many of you have gone on a first date and it feels like an interview? “So…how many siblings do you have? What’s your favorite colour?” …THIS IS BORING!!!!!! No wonder you’re looking for the next best thing, back on the app, and back to swiping! (I honestly don’t fault you for this).
When we look at what it is that makes people thrive; the things that bring out the best and most attractive aspects of ourselves; it’s when we have been given space and comfort to show up authentically.
If we have any hope of seeing the best in others, we need to create an atmosphere that inspires people to show up. Get curious. Ask interesting questions. Do fun and exciting things together. Speak to people’s hearts and learn how to access something deeper in people. People are longing for an experience, to feel something with you, to feel safe and appreciated, and this I where you really uncover the truth of who someone is. Stop approaching people with a checklist in front of you, no one is going to appear interesting when you’re asking how many siblings they have.
You don’t have to bare your soul to someone on the first date, but sharing with people how you feel in an honest and playful way is a game changer!! If someone looks beautiful to you, tell them! If you want to see someone, express it! People aren’t going to fall in love with you if you’re playing a chess match with them– “when they text, ill text, when they don’t respond for 6 hours, I won’t respond for 8!” If getting out of our heads and more into our hearts is “too much” for the person you’re dating. LET THEM RUN, they aren’t the person for you and they are not going to be the one to love you deeply.
Just as I mentioned that we cannot will the person of our dreams into our lives sitting at home meditating, I have also learned, despite my belief that self-love was to be cultivated within the context of the self, our most profound self- learning is often done within the context of our relationships.
For a long time, I told myself, “I have self-work to do, I have self-love to discover (whatever that means), and until I get to “x” point (again, who knows what that even means), I am just not really ready to meet someone!”
So many of us just want to feel good in our bodies; to feel confident, sexy, and happy. But what I have found is that as confident and self-loving as we may feel at our best, once we are back to putting ourselves out there and being vulnerable, we are faced with all kinds of new experiences and people, where insecurities are triggered, and fears of rejection begin to emerge again.
Self-love is like resilience, it is built overtime by facing real challenges and deep pain, and finding ways to come through to a better place.
If we do not show up authentically as ourselves, we are not giving others an opportunity to love us for who we really are, and we are essentially rejecting ourselves before anyone else can. Self-love is only experienced in a deep way when we learn to be comfortable showing up in the world, even if there is a risk that someone won’t understand or receive you. Let those people fall away and let the people who are in awe by you further into your heart.
Energetically Showing Up in the World
The more we date, the more we are able to refine the list of qualities or qualifications that we want in a partner, and anything less than, would feel as though we’re in some way “settling.”
Having standards for yourself is a great thing. Standards show that you have self-respect, and that is sexy!
So here we all are…going out into the world, on a quest to find “the one”; to find the “perfect” person that is going to “check all the boxes.”
From that list of qualifications, that you have defined and redefined, have you ever asked yourself how many of those are you bringing to the table?
There is a powerful energetic shift when we stop searching for what we don’t have, and when we focus on becoming the exact thing were searching for. You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are.
If you want vulnerability, you need to be vulnerable. If you want people to be authentic and honest, you need to be authentic and honest. What it means to “be” the exact thing you’re looking for, is that it in all aspects of your life, you are embodying those things, not just when you’re out on a date.
Yes, unfortunately, this requires letting go of the game playing and choosing to play in a new game.
When were talking about what it is we bring to the table, this doesn’t just mean all the wonderful and amazing aspects of who you are. When we’re hoping to attract a high-quality partner, not only do we need to show up as our best selves, we also need to manage our least evolved selves. Dating is a breeding ground for our least evolved selves to show up because of feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. This is where relationships fail because we behave in ways such as reacting impulsively, attempting to regain control by playing games, or sabotaging something good to protect ourselves.
In what ways could you be a better partner? Get to know yourself and learn ways to manage these aspects of yourself so that you can show up in a real and yet grounded way.
My hope for you is that you will learn to give yourself space to feel everything, to be real, to be raw, and to embrace all of you, because this is what radiates beautiful energy and attracts other beautiful and authentic people into your life.
Vulnerability is the new sexy.